All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit! – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
The holidays bring joy, laughter, and a touch of magic—but this year, Christmas faces a threat unlike any before, not from Scrooge or a grouchy mountain creature, but from something truly otherworldly.
As kids everywhere count down the days, a group of jealous alien observers decides that if they can’t have Christmas, they’ll take it. With advanced tech and a bold plan, they set out to steal the holiday itself.
What they don’t expect is the unwavering spirit of one man in a red suit. He’s not just delivering cheer; he’s ready to defend it.
Can he save Christmas and show these invaders what the season really means? Or will the most wonderful time of the year vanish into the cold void of space?
Ho ho ho Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kicking Kwanza, and Festivus for the rest of us. As a special Christmas treat, I am remastering the fantastically bad Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964). I hope everyone, regardless of faith or denomination, as well as those who do not identify with any, will enjoy.
Before I get into this too deeply, I need to make a couple of notes. First, this movie is in the public domain, so you get slightly different versions each time you view it. So don’t be too put off if the summary does not match scene for scene. Secondly, it is pretty hard to review a film where the first line of about 80 percent of the actor’s bio state in the first line that they are best known for this stinker of a movie. But I will endeavor to preserve. Movie line. Did you get it?
It seems that they scavenged whomever they could get that was working on Broadway and hustled them over to an abandoned aircraft hangar on Long Island, where the entire movie was shot for around $200,000.
This film has a 2.8 rating on IMDb.com[1] , and that is the lowest score I have seen. On RottenTomatoes.com, the film has a 25 percent on the Tomatometer and a 27 percent audience approval[2]. The Critics Consensus on RottenTomatoes.com states, “The endearingly cheesy Santa Claus Conquers the Martians might just be so naughty it’s nice for viewers seeking a sub-competent sci-fi holiday adventure.”
Actors – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
John Call was cast in the role of the big man, the jolly elf himself, Santa Claus. And you know what, he did a pretty good job. Anyway, he looked the part. Call seems to have been around for a while, but only did bit parts. He only made one move after this. He had a 30-year career on Broadway, starring in 19 productions.
Leonard Hicks played the role of Kimar, the head of the Martian Council. I don’t know where they found this guy. He only has three credits, including this one. He also did a fair job as the concerned parent and under siege leader.
In Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), Vincent Beck played the bad guy, Voldar. Before I talk about Beck, let’s go over one thing about that name. Voldar was the bad guy. I’m thinking that the lady from England who writes thick books may have chosen this name for her bad guy. The one I shall not name. Beck went from a theater career to TV after this movie. His most well-known movie may be …and justice for all (1979) with Al Pacino.
Bill McCutcheon played the role of Dropo, the lazy, carefree Martian. McCutchen had a round face and a droopy mouth that made for a very distinctive look. It turns out he was much more than a rubber-faced comedian. He was wounded in Italy during WWII. Following the war, he graduated from the University of Ohio. He was a member of several jazz bands and comedy trios until he began working on the New York stage in the 1950s. He had a successful career in television, in commercials, and in occasional movies. What is even more interesting is that he played Uncle Wally for eight years on “Sesame Street” and appeared on the back of Mad Magazine twice as Adolf Hitler. I can’t make this stuff up.
Both Earth children, Victor Stiles as Billy and Donna Conforti as Betty, were child actors on Broadway, but neither had a film career afterward.
One of the two Martian children did a little better. The boy Chris Month, who played Bomar, never acted in another film, but the other Martian child turned out to be Pia Zadora’s first role as the Martian girl Girmar. In all, Pia had 14 movies and TV credits. She reached her zenith in the mid-1980s with The Lonely Lady (1983).
Perhaps the best-known actor from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) is Ned Wertimer, who played Andy Henderson, a reporter who interviews Santa at the North Pole workshop. Wertimer is best known because, as George and Wheezy moved on up, he was their doorman, Ralph. Ralph was the greedy doorman and should not be confused with Carlton, the drunk doorman from Rhoda.
Doris Rich has a small role as Mrs. Claus. This was the first appearance of Mrs. Claus in a film. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was released about three weeks later, but it was made for television. Doris was married to John Carradine for a time, but they did not have children together.
Carl Don was a Russian-born actor with 22 film and TV credits. Nothing really big stands out. In this film, he played two roles – Chochem, the 800-year-old patriarch of Mar, and Von Green, a space scientist. You see what they did there with the name change from Von Braun (Brown) to Green, to go with the Mars green men and remove the Nazi connotation.
I don’t know who Gene Lindsey is, and I don’t know anything about him. I only know that he was uncredited as the Polar Bear, and it was one of the worst costumes I have ever seen in a movie. I have seen Chihuahuas with carpets on them as giant rats, and a man in a giant bunny costume for Night of the Lepus (1972). So, this was spectacularly bad.
Story – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) begins with Ralph the doorman (Ned Wertimer) as a TV reporter making the first television broadcast from Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole. He interviews Santa (John Call) as Santa puffs away at his non-PC pipe. At one point, the reporter asks Santa if he will use a rocket sleigh. Santa replies, “No siree! We’re going out the good ol’ fashioned way. Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon… oh, consarnit I get those names mixed up, but the KIDS know their names.” Many people have described this movie as a tale of the Cold War struggle between the US and the Soviet Union. Invoking the name of Nixon as a McCarthyite and strong anti-communist surely adds credence to this interpretation. I’m channeling Spock in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991), quoting an old Vulcan adage: “Only Nixon could go to China.”
I have to step out on a personal rant here. You noticed that Santa used the names Donder and Blitzen, which means thunder and lightning in German. I am appalled when people use the name Donner. He wasn’t trapped on a mountain for goodness’ sake. Three weeks after the release of this movie, Coach Donner in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer forever muddled these names for generations of Americans. I, for one, am on a moral crusade to restore the literal interpretation of the writings of Clement C. Moore.
Santa introduces them to Winky (Ivor Bodin), the Elf in charge of the space division. Santa shows two products from Winky’s area. One is a toy rocket that runs on real jet fuel. This rocket may be another reference to the Cold War. When the film was released in 1964, students were still being taught duck and cover and wearing dog tags so their burned bodies could be identified. The second thing they show is a Martian doll that is a direct replica of the Martians we will see later in the movie. I love foreshadowing.
Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich) comes in to put Santa back to work.
The interview pulls back, and two very sad Martian children are watching it. The Martian children have no toys, just like the little communist children. Obviously, a lot of thought went into this script before the children were named Bomar and the girl was named Gimar, as in boy Martian and girl Martian.
As we learned from Doonesbury many years ago, Commies love their children, too. So, Kimar (Leonard Hicks), as King Martian, and his wife, Momar (Lelia Martin), as Mom Martian, are worried about how sad their children are. Spending endless hours watching X-Box, sorry, I mean Earth television. They explain that the children are educated with a chip and therefore do not have a childhood. However, it seems to me that they still live as children because they are not working.
At this point in the story, they introduced Dropo (Bill McCutcheon). Dropo would be the ant to the communist grasshopper. He was lazy, liked to sleep, and was very jovial when they woke him up. Kimar used some type of tickle ray to wake Dropo. I don’t know what that is supposed to represent.
Momar suggests that Kimar consult with Chochem (Carl Don) because he is 800 years old and very wise. Kimar radios the High Council or Politburo if you want. He immediately gets crap from Voldar (Vincent Beck). First, he won’t answer the radio, and then he shows up late for his meeting with Chochem. So, you know this guy is going to be a pain for the rest of the movie.
Chochem explains to the group that the kids need childhood. He has been seeing them get melancholy for years as the Earth’s Christmas draws near. They decide that they must go to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus. Everyone agrees except Voldemort, correction, Voldar. Oh, by the way, Voldar is darker than the other Martians and has a large, distinctive mustache, reminiscent of Joe Stalin.
The Martians jump in their spaceship, and apparently, it takes four people to fly. They arrive over New York City and use their periscope to see that there is a Santa Claus on every street corner. They figure this is going to be pretty easy to do since there are so many Santa Clauses.
The Martians detect Earth’s radar beams and try to activate their anti-radar device, but it doesn’t work. They find out that Dropo has stowed away in the anti-radar box. When they get him out, the beam starts working. The Earth News announces, “Here’s another UFO Bulletin: The Defense Department has just announced that the unidentified flying object suddenly disappeared from our radar screen. They believe the object has either disintegrated in space or is a spaceship from another planet, which can nullify all radar beams.”
That’s a significant leap in logic. It couldn’t be from this planet. It couldn’t be something else that just either burned up or turned on a nullification Ray? Just for reference, remember that the UFO scare started after World War II, and a lot of it’s been tied to the Cold War since then, with SR-71 Blackbirds flying around and what have you. Oh yeah, there are those little green men they found at Roswell in 1947, too.
They land their craft in stealth mode near a little lake in what I assume to be Central Park. This movie was set in the 60s, so kids could play out there by themselves. The Martians quickly run into Billy and his sister, Betty. The two kids have hear the UFO reports, and I’m not really sure they are that shocked when they see the Martians come over and start asking them questions about Santa. They immediately tell the Martians that the real Santa lives at the North Pole and all those others are just helpers. Talk about aiding and abetting.
The Martians decide to kidnap the kids so no one will know who kidnapped Santa. It’s not like the Earth people could do anything about it anyway. On the ship, the Martians place their hostages under the watchful eye of Dropo. Great plan. Superior beings, I think not.
The first thing that Dropo does is take the kids to the control deck. They land at the North Pole, and the four leaders exit the spaceship to discuss the plan. During this time, Dropo takes the kids up and shows them the ship’s control center, including the anti-radar device. When Voldar comes in, Dropo hides the kids in the anti-radar box.
The children overhear the entire plan of how the Martians are going to kidnap Santa Claus and take the two children back to Mars with them. Later, the two Earth children escape and try to make it to Santa’s workshop to warn him. Since the children are not dressed as Arctic explorers, they quickly get in trouble and have to hide in a cave when they are attacked by a guy in a bad polar bear costume. Back at the ship, Kimar decides he doesn’t want to take a chance and calls for his robot Torr. Torr seems to be an early version of SIRI. Get out of the ship, I said, get out of the ship – no, I don’t need a reminder to buy lettuce, get out of the ship. Anyway, this robot is the slowest tinker-toy model, and I don’t see why it would be helpful. Torr finally catches the children and takes them back to the ship.
The Martians go to Santa’s workshop, where they decide to surround the building and send the robot in after Santa. The three Martians and a robot all go immediately to the front door. Torr breaks through the front door in pre-classic Bumble or Kool-Aid style. Remember, Rudolph is not out yet. Santa sees Torr as a big toy and completely disables the robot by treating him like one, much as he did with the Bumble.
The Martians burst in with their ray guns, which are really just whammo air guns that are painted black. The elves immediately get baseball bats to defend Santa. That’s how I want my boys to roll. The Martians use the ray to freeze the elves, and when Mrs. Claus comes out, they freeze her as well. The Martians take Santa to the ship and imprison him with the Earth children. Billy has already disabled the anti-radar machine.
On Earth, Mrs. Claus reports that Martians definitely took Santa. The United Nations goes into an all-night session, and NASA launches a rescue attempt, but the Martians are able to fix their anti-radar and evade. Dr. Von Green said all the American astronauts want to go after those Martian monkeys.
On the way to Mars, everyone is getting into the Christmas spirit except Voldar. He tries to blast Santa and the two Earth kids out of the airlock as if they were Cylon clones. Santa uses his magic to help everyone escape through an air vent, saving their lives. The Martians lock Voldar up for attempted Santacide. When they land on Mars, they find that Voldar has escaped and left Dropo in the cell.
On Mars, Santa meets the two Martian children, and they’re immediately taken with him. They all have a ho-ho-ho giggle fest. Kimar sets up a factory for Santa that’s fully automated, so he doesn’t need the elves to make toys. Dropo, the two Earth children, and the two Martian children begin working in the factory. Santa is not happy with his new role once he realizes he will never go home.
The two Martian kids grow happier and happier while the two Earth kids fall into a sullen funk. Momar wants to send them back to Earth, but her husband refuses. Dropo debows the Santa suit and uses a pillow for the belly. He goes to the workshop at the same time the three bad Martians show up. They sabotage the wiring and kidnap Dropo, thinking he is Santa. The green skin is somehow not a giveaway. They take Dropo to a cave for interrogation, but he answers every question with ho-ho-ho.
Voldar heads to the workshop to demand the Santa Claus stuff, stating that he will kill Santa if he is denied. Kimar locks him up because he knows they have Dropo instead of Santa. At the same time, Dropo escapes. Shortly after Voldar escapes, but Billy hears the plan. Billy’s a sneaky little curse. Santa leads all of the kids in an old-fashioned Donnybrook. The kids are using all of the toys to defeat the forces of evil. There are a lot of toy tanks, rockets, soldiers, and baseball bats.
Dropo shows up, and Kimar saves him and stops the attack on the now beaten Voldar. Dropo starts ho-hoing, and they decide he is the Martian Santa. They all say their goodbyes. Dropo Claus comes in and cheers the Martians as Santa, and the two kids head back to Earth in time for Christmas Eve.
Conclusion – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
As he watches Santa making toys on Mars, one of the Martians is amazed by a “coiled spring that walks downstairs.” The Slinky was invented in 1943 and was first sold in late 1945. The toy was sold for one dollar each by the family-owned business[3].
It is interesting to note, and appropriate to today’s film, that the Slinky was used to create laser-beam sound effects by striking the end and recording the resonances. Based on a television advertising campaign, the Slinky had a resurgence in the early 1960s.
World-Famous Summary – America’s greatest capitalist, Santa Claus, defeats the Commies/Martians.
Beware the moors
[1] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058548/
